Guardian News

From cerebrally-deranged Guardian cartoonist Steve Bell:

Despite the gun lunacy, the poverty, the crime, the lack of public healthcare, [America] must be one of the safest places on earth to live.

And conversely, because of the no-gun lunacy, the politically-rigged definition of poverty, the 60%-higher-than-America crime rate and the dogged devotion to a creaking and structurally unsound public healthcare system, Britain is one of the least safest places on earth to live. Perhaps US customs at JFK should have confiscated Bell's prejudices instead of his shoes.

Three freaks. That's how the Briffmeister puts it. What a way with words that boy has.

Hubble: "During my gap year I spent time on a kibbutz in Israel. Seeing the oppression of the Palestinian people at first-hand was a wake-up call for me about the evils of American imperialism. I went on to study philosophy at the University of North London and reading Marx made me realise how a capitalist economic system exacerbates social injustice. I became a committed socialist."

Bubble: "I want to protect my children from this society and bring them up in a strict Islamic environment so that it becomes a complete way of life for them. I don't think they will reject it but if they did I would be devastated because they would end up in hellfire for the hereafter."

Toil 'n Trouble: "Being in The Family has made Simon and I very close. We have the same goals, purpose and love of Jesus. In the right circumstances sex with someone outside the marriage can be a positive loving act. It's not something that we actively practise any more. But if a female member of The Family needed love and Simon felt he could, in good faith, give her love then I would allow him to sleep with her."

Three mentally cloistered individuals. Like watching a three-way motorway pile-up in slow motion. Thank God I brought the Pringles.

Dear Hubble,

I'm afraid you appear to be a living embodiment of the notion that a little education is a dangerous thing. Speaking as someone who has himself studied philosophy at university, I can categorically state that allowing one's political views to be formed in such a hermetic and abstract milieu is not big and definitely not clever. Hopefully, when you are able to get out more, you'll see the error of your ways.

Yours, etc.

Dear Bubble,

The solution to your problem can be found approximately 3000 miles ESE of here, a place you may have heard of called the Islamic Republic of Iran. Or, if that is too far, and you desire free healthcare and no taxes, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is somewhat closer. As the saying goes: 'He who wishes to climb mountains does not live in Belgium.'

Yours, etc.

Dear Toil 'n Trouble,

Did Jesus teach you euphemism? He taught so many things it's hard to keep track of them all. I never attended Sunday school, but I'm fairly certain that, theologically-speaking, therapeutic fucking does not count as 'love.' That part must be in one of the Gnostic Gospels of the King James Bible :-).

Yours, etc.